3 tips that will transform the people you attract, and alter the way you behave in relationships.

added value

What happens when you withdraw money from your bank account, faster than you put in? I guess your reserves would run out real fast. And what happens when you keep receiving, and receiving from your partner in the relationship, rather than giving? Their love/emotional reserves will run out as well, and you will be stuck wondering what happened. I am no expert on love and relationships but I have failed terribly at them. But based on my mistakes, and my experiences I would like to explain  3 tips that  i call “value additions” which will hopefully transform the people you attract, and alter the way you behave in relationships.

I think this is the longest post I have ever written, but if your love life like mine, needs to be re-vamped, grab a cup of coffee and let’s dig in.

Tip 1: Prepare yourself

Myles Munroe, author of the book waiting and dating asserts that “you should be preoccupied with preparing yourself for whomever God is preparing for you.” Just think about it. We tend to be so naïve thinking that we want a guy with phenomenal quality X, Y, and Z  yet we ourselves have no depth. How would that union work, from a logical standpoint? It cant even work on paper, let alone in real life.

Think of it like a partnership or business transaction. There must be give and take. Both parties must benefit from each other. And because man and women can never be the same, or act the same, both parties must bring something that the other isn’t offering to the table. Your presence in the relationship MUST ADD VALUE, rather than take away. You understand?

So, envision the kind of person you think you should be in order to be a great catch. The kind of person your ideal man or woman would want to spend their life with. And i’ve specifically used the words “spend their life with” because at 25, or where about this age, I presume you are working towards achieving lifetime goals, rather than casual meaningless relationships that amount to nothing.

Set goals for yourself, have a clear plan and watch yourself evolve. For women, get more depth. I cannot stress this enough. Grow in spirit, get organized, get healthier, get smarter, get financially stable, get hobbies, get the career you desire, learn how to cook, learn how to run a home, learn how to be there for people other than yourself, “keep yourself” and most importantly, make sure you are fulfilled as a single person.

For men, set goals to be a great boyfriend, a great husband, and a great father in thoughts, in words, and in deeds. Prepare to stop being single. Prepare to be a provider, to be her strength, to be thoughtful and to be considerate.

Strip your manliness and all the titles that you have made on the outside world and just be her friend. Take the time to mold your character. After all, you cannot give what you do not have. And guys, remember if she is phenomenal, you need to do better with yourself. Play your position.

After all, if the both of you meet prepared in the relationship,  you will have an upper hand in dealing with life issues in comparison to two people who weren’t prepared or even worse, one who was inadequately prepared and keeps pulling the prepared one down.

Most importantly, learn how to give, rather than receive. Don’t suck the life out of your relationship by refusing to evolve. Basically, don’t be baggage.

Tip 2: Learn yourself

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to understand yourself. The same way you seek to understand a new colleague, a new friend, a new boss, a new job? Seek to understand yourself. Understand your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. Additionally, understand your introverted and extroverted traits. Learn how to leverage your strengths, learn how to utilize your opportunities, understand how to control your weaknesses, and beware of your threats and eliminate them.

Learn your likes and dislikes, and learn how to advocate for  them in a mature considerate manner. Men are not mind-readers,and  neither are women. Sometimes all you need is a hint, a prompt and sometimes outright speaking up. Additionally, learn your wants versus your needs. You may want a hot flashy model /celebrity but do you NEED the attention that comes with it?

Learn how to create me time to recharge. Learn what your preferences are for me time. It doesn’t matter if you are married or unmarried, you need to set your personal time to recharge, outside the relationship. After all, if you give and give without replenishing your reserves, you won’t have much to give in the long run.

Learn how you behave in different settings, and through different emotions. Learn how you are when you are happy, when you are sad, when you are irritated, when you are grieving, and when you are drunk. For instance, I am an alpha female, and alpha females tend to very blunt, aggressive, forthright, and sometimes bitchy. So when I get irritated, I realize that the next words ill utter may be bitchy. So lately, I have learned to remind myself that okay, “ honey you are starting to get irritated and you don’t need to swipe your bitch card  on these unaware people today, so walk away”. It’s that simple.

So if we all make time to learn more about ourselves, we will get to be less confrontational with our partners, we will learn when to withdraw from certain situations and we will learn when to recharge and how to best recharge based on our preferences and schedules. In this way, we will make the lives of the people around us less miserable, and we will be more happy.

Tip 3: Define the person you want

I was in a matatu the other day when I overheard this woman chat with her girlfriends about her new husband. She mentioned how she told God specifically who she wanted. For her, she wanted a muzungu, approximately 9-10 years older than her, etc. We may not all want wazungus however, we all have  specific tastes,preferences, wants and needs. All we need to do is be aware of these preferences, write them down and pray for God to manifest the dream for us. It is sad that I’ve heard this before but I didn’t take it very seriously until the other day when I reflected on my failures in love.

I learnt this the hard way. If you don’t have a precise picture of the kind of man/woman you want, you will date ANYBODY. In the case of the woman mentioned above, do you see how specific this prayer was? Among other blah qualities, she knew that the man she wanted to marry ought to be 9-10 years older ndio “asimsumbue akili” na “wasisumbuane kwa nyumba“. This implied that anyone younger than that, despite their charm, witt, and accomplishments would not be able to suit her needs as a married woman trying to build a stable home. She was specific in underlining her needs versus her wants. Therefore i think it was  quite easy for her to refrain from investing in relationships that added no meaning.

My former employer’s husband mentioned once how a few years ago, he had jotted down what he wanted in a wife. He had his list with specific details of his future wife and it expressed how she would carry herself, how she would dress, the tone of her voice( let me express my shock here), and her skin color among other traits. Years later, this came to pass, and he showed her that piece of writing that he had made years ago. She was amazed at how she fit that description yet he had not met her when he wrote it down.

Being specific will give us the sobriety to stop forcing relationships with people who are not suitable for us in terms of their character, and in terms of compatibility. Let’s  be real. You cannot be compatible with everyone and it’s okay. So knowing who you want and understanding the precise character traits that you want, will help you sieve the bullshit from the serious stuff.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, “if a man shows you who he is, believe it”.

If they are flaky, they are flaky. If he says he will call back and he doesn’t….., flaky. If he says he will meet you up but stands you up…, flaky. If he doesn’t pick up your calls…, flaky. If he conveniently responds to you whenever he feels like it…, flaky.

If he wants to: see you, call you, take you out, or even date you, he will. If he wants you to meet his family, you will meet his family. If he wants to wife you, he will wife you. No one is too shy, too busy or too broke. In another light, if he flirts with other women, he’s a flirt. If he cheats on all his girlfriends, he is a cheat.

Stop making excuses for their character. After all, I’ve never met a person who refused to pursue a career that he really wanted, because he was shy or busy. Never. So, if he likes you, he’ll show it. If he loves you he will move mountains for you. So HONEY, if he /she shows you who they are, believe it. ITS SIMPLE, CUT THROAT, AND CLEAR.

Parting shot: Strive to learn yourself, define the person you want to have as a partner in your life, and prepare yourself sufficiently.

Did you grasp that?


Please share with that ka-friend of yours, sister, brother or partner who you know deep down needs to take a look at this.Feel free to like, comment, and have yourselves a lovely day.


Abby Osidiana.


Of failing, and not showing up



You don’t know how to be kind.

You exude traits of selfishness and unreliability.

You can’t do the simplest of things that matter,

The little things that transcend vain words.


You don’t know, not because you were born like that,

But because it’s a vicious circle.

You bumped into people who were selfish and unreliable.

You met people who were unkind.


And because you chose to embark on a journey of understanding,

You became numb,

You became less questioning,

You became less Naggy,

You became less annoyed.


But these things devoured your soul,

And you began being that pillar of disappointment as well.


You see,

No amount of understanding,

No amount of love,

And no amount of selflessness from your end,

Will change their Active. Choice. To fail you.

Because failing, is a choice.

Failing you is a choice.


When it all seems bleak,

You will meet people.

Amazing people who will melt your heart with kindness.

People who will surprise you with the sheer magnitude of their selflessness.

People who don’t know what walking out is,

Even when you deserve every footstep walking away from you.


These People will love you unconditionally,

From the tips of your toes straight to your undeserving soul.

They will give you so much,

So much that your own selfish heart masters the art of kindness again.


Sometimes, these people already existed,

Sometimes they just show up when you need it the most.


You will then make an active choice to walk with the hearts of those who never fail you.

Not because you know which paths are best to walk through with them,

Not because you are a perfect being, who has it all figured out,

But because you understand that “showing up” in the simplest of ways,

Depicts your active choice not to fail them.


Mostly, you will choose to walk with them,

Because you know you owe it to them,

And to yourself,

To show up, as relentlessly as they have shown up for you.


MY COMPILED BUCKET LIST- to complete by december 2015

Thanks to suggestions from friends and family, the internet, and ideas of my own, i have finally completed my bucket list. I aim to complete it before the end of 2015.

1. Write and record a song
2. Perfect my guitar playing skills
3. Camp outside
4. Make home made ice cream
5. Go bungee jumping
6. Go-cart racing
7. Go paragliding
8. Eat a whole pizza alone
9. Go ice skating
10.Make an ugali- chapati sandwich and eat it
11. Climb a mountain
12. Identify random people you think have a story about themselves, approach them, have a chat, take just one photo of them then send it to them after three months. Its a good way to make friends
13. Go fishing
14. Go deep-see diving
15. Have dinner all dressed up at Kempinsky
16. Eat 3kgs of junk in one day
17. Do something
drastic with my hair….e.g change hair color or length or go natural

18. Make a large art piece
19. Learn how to use chopsticks
20. Stay awake for 24 hours
21. Take a trip to a place i have never been before
22. Boat racing
23. Try speed dating / go on a blind date
24. Road trip
25. Make 200 cupcakes in a day
26. Learn to strip dance
27. Learn a new language
28. Run a marathon
29. Go horse back riding
30. Give a heartfelt surprise to someone
31. Make a difference in someones life
32. Start a business
33. Fly in a hot air balloon
34. Learn basic sign language
35. Be a waiter for a day, just for the experience
36. Go on a cruise
37. Design my dream home
38. Get a pet
39. Read a book on a subject I have never thought of reading
40. Fly a kite
41. Try being a vegeterian for a month
42. Fold 1,000 origami cranes and give them to someone special
43. Find a career i enjoy
44. Organize a picnic outing
45. Hit bulls eye on a dartboard
46. Ride a roller coaster
47. Get one million views for my blog
48. Move out
49. Learn to drive a car
50. Go paint balling

As i promised, i will post photos of myself taking part in the items on the list. So i hope you will enjoy my one year journey as much as i intend to !!!

Can we please move on to 24?


So this year has been a roller coaster. My highs have been really high, and the lows have been really low. Basically i have experienced both extreme ends of the spectrum, with very few instances being an in between. Time has unfolded what needed to be unearthed, beyond attractive facades. It is interesting to realize how much i look but don’t actually see. How much i hear but don’t actually listen. So i don’t regret all the awful experiences i have had, that i shall laugh about in a few years time.

On another note, the year has taught me a lot about appreciation. I have come to appreciate some very simple things in mind blowing capacities. So as the year ends, i can probably share my list, and maybe you can sit and meditate upon the simple of things that you don’t often appreciate.
so here goes my list:

1. I am grateful for my hands, and my very creative and artistic personality.
I am a very hands on person. My hands and my artistic personality have paved way for the unveiling of amazing opportunities for me.

2. The love-hate relationship i have with my job, and school.
Sometimes i am in school and i just hate the idea of having to go to class. I know you have also had those days when you really feel the urge to sleep in, or just chill out and have a lazy day. Then comes work. Some days are really hard, some are a breeze. But my greatest motivation, is the fact that i am fortunate enough to have the most amazing boss i can probably ask for. I hope that we continue to work amicably as time goes by.I am very grateful for all the opportunities that have come my way, especially in the last few months. And as i almost close the chapter of being in campus, i remain grateful that i had the opportunity to go to school without major challenges.

3. My girlfriends
I have spent so much time the last few years with these young women. You know, the kind of friends who know intricate details about your life: the good, the bad, the ugly. With them i have made wonderful memories over the years, and i can confidently call them my family.

4. My soon to be business partner( Kalekye Muia).
She brings out the best in me, and make me very happy. With her, i can be my true self. She is the kind of person who we have very serious conversations with, but at most times we become very silly and very peculiar individuals. Our company always reminds me that life is not too serious. From her, i have learned that we can grasp everything that is within and beyond our reach. Most importantly, i have learned from her the true meaning of loyalty .So i hope that as we continue to grow as friends, we can also grow in our new business venture and realize our goals.

5. My very supportive parents
You know, these are the people who still love you when everyone else is not obligated to. They have seen a fair share of all the bullshit you can dish-out, but are relentless in the efforts to guide and support you. No matter how old you grow, you will always be their baby. From them, i have learned a thing or two about sacrifice.

6. My health
I have been fortunate enough to have good health and that doesn’t go unnoticed.

7. My brother (Michael Osidiana).
I am grateful that i have a sibling that i am very close to. He is very kind, very supportive and very interesting to be around . With him, my childhood remains memorable. I wish him good health and wealth, and that life remains kind to him.

8. That i have all the basics in life
I appreciate that i have a comfortable bed, clothes, food,a roof over my head and all basic necessities without major challenges. Life has taught me to work hard, but at the same time to be contented in my capacities.

9. All the new friends i continue to make
I appreciate how much your mind opens up when you meet new friends of different personalities, characters and mindsets. Interacting with new people shows you different ways of looking at life. From them you can choose what you can incorporate in your life or what should be ignored.

10. The grace to know when to hold on and when to let go
i am grateful that this year God has graced me with the strength to know when to hold on and when to let go. This applies to all aspects in life.

All in all, 23 has been the epitome of growth and maturity. I am grateful for all who have contributed towards my growth in the oddest ways, and i apologize to all who i rubbed the wrong way. I hope to make better decisions in the future as i evolve into the woman i aspire to become.

Each day, the thought that lessons don’t go away until you actually learn what they intend to teach; resonates a lot more. So i guess i have learned all of the life lessons that i need to for a year . So can we please move on to 24?