What happens when you withdraw money from your bank account, faster than you put in? I guess your reserves would run out real fast. And what happens when you keep receiving, and receiving from your partner in the relationship, rather than giving? Their love/emotional reserves will run out as well, and you will be stuck wondering what happened. I am no expert on love and relationships but I have failed terribly at them. But based on my mistakes, and my experiences I would like to explain 3 tips that i call “value additions” which will hopefully transform the people you attract, and alter the way you behave in relationships.
I think this is the longest post I have ever written, but if your love life like mine, needs to be re-vamped, grab a cup of coffee and let’s dig in.
Tip 1: Prepare yourself
Myles Munroe, author of the book waiting and dating asserts that “you should be preoccupied with preparing yourself for whomever God is preparing for you.” Just think about it. We tend to be so naïve thinking that we want a guy with phenomenal quality X, Y, and Z yet we ourselves have no depth. How would that union work, from a logical standpoint? It cant even work on paper, let alone in real life.
Think of it like a partnership or business transaction. There must be give and take. Both parties must benefit from each other. And because man and women can never be the same, or act the same, both parties must bring something that the other isn’t offering to the table. Your presence in the relationship MUST ADD VALUE, rather than take away. You understand?
So, envision the kind of person you think you should be in order to be a great catch. The kind of person your ideal man or woman would want to spend their life with. And i’ve specifically used the words “spend their life with” because at 25, or where about this age, I presume you are working towards achieving lifetime goals, rather than casual meaningless relationships that amount to nothing.
Set goals for yourself, have a clear plan and watch yourself evolve. For women, get more depth. I cannot stress this enough. Grow in spirit, get organized, get healthier, get smarter, get financially stable, get hobbies, get the career you desire, learn how to cook, learn how to run a home, learn how to be there for people other than yourself, “keep yourself” and most importantly, make sure you are fulfilled as a single person.
For men, set goals to be a great boyfriend, a great husband, and a great father in thoughts, in words, and in deeds. Prepare to stop being single. Prepare to be a provider, to be her strength, to be thoughtful and to be considerate.
Strip your manliness and all the titles that you have made on the outside world and just be her friend. Take the time to mold your character. After all, you cannot give what you do not have. And guys, remember if she is phenomenal, you need to do better with yourself. Play your position.
After all, if the both of you meet prepared in the relationship, you will have an upper hand in dealing with life issues in comparison to two people who weren’t prepared or even worse, one who was inadequately prepared and keeps pulling the prepared one down.
Most importantly, learn how to give, rather than receive. Don’t suck the life out of your relationship by refusing to evolve. Basically, don’t be baggage.
Tip 2: Learn yourself
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to understand yourself. The same way you seek to understand a new colleague, a new friend, a new boss, a new job? Seek to understand yourself. Understand your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. Additionally, understand your introverted and extroverted traits. Learn how to leverage your strengths, learn how to utilize your opportunities, understand how to control your weaknesses, and beware of your threats and eliminate them.
Learn your likes and dislikes, and learn how to advocate for them in a mature considerate manner. Men are not mind-readers,and neither are women. Sometimes all you need is a hint, a prompt and sometimes outright speaking up. Additionally, learn your wants versus your needs. You may want a hot flashy model /celebrity but do you NEED the attention that comes with it?
Learn how to create me time to recharge. Learn what your preferences are for me time. It doesn’t matter if you are married or unmarried, you need to set your personal time to recharge, outside the relationship. After all, if you give and give without replenishing your reserves, you won’t have much to give in the long run.
Learn how you behave in different settings, and through different emotions. Learn how you are when you are happy, when you are sad, when you are irritated, when you are grieving, and when you are drunk. For instance, I am an alpha female, and alpha females tend to very blunt, aggressive, forthright, and sometimes bitchy. So when I get irritated, I realize that the next words ill utter may be bitchy. So lately, I have learned to remind myself that okay, “ honey you are starting to get irritated and you don’t need to swipe your bitch card on these unaware people today, so walk away”. It’s that simple.
So if we all make time to learn more about ourselves, we will get to be less confrontational with our partners, we will learn when to withdraw from certain situations and we will learn when to recharge and how to best recharge based on our preferences and schedules. In this way, we will make the lives of the people around us less miserable, and we will be more happy.
Tip 3: Define the person you want
I was in a matatu the other day when I overheard this woman chat with her girlfriends about her new husband. She mentioned how she told God specifically who she wanted. For her, she wanted a muzungu, approximately 9-10 years older than her, etc. We may not all want wazungus however, we all have specific tastes,preferences, wants and needs. All we need to do is be aware of these preferences, write them down and pray for God to manifest the dream for us. It is sad that I’ve heard this before but I didn’t take it very seriously until the other day when I reflected on my failures in love.
I learnt this the hard way. If you don’t have a precise picture of the kind of man/woman you want, you will date ANYBODY. In the case of the woman mentioned above, do you see how specific this prayer was? Among other blah qualities, she knew that the man she wanted to marry ought to be 9-10 years older ndio “asimsumbue akili” na “wasisumbuane kwa nyumba“. This implied that anyone younger than that, despite their charm, witt, and accomplishments would not be able to suit her needs as a married woman trying to build a stable home. She was specific in underlining her needs versus her wants. Therefore i think it was quite easy for her to refrain from investing in relationships that added no meaning.
My former employer’s husband mentioned once how a few years ago, he had jotted down what he wanted in a wife. He had his list with specific details of his future wife and it expressed how she would carry herself, how she would dress, the tone of her voice( let me express my shock here), and her skin color among other traits. Years later, this came to pass, and he showed her that piece of writing that he had made years ago. She was amazed at how she fit that description yet he had not met her when he wrote it down.
Being specific will give us the sobriety to stop forcing relationships with people who are not suitable for us in terms of their character, and in terms of compatibility. Let’s be real. You cannot be compatible with everyone and it’s okay. So knowing who you want and understanding the precise character traits that you want, will help you sieve the bullshit from the serious stuff.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, “if a man shows you who he is, believe it”.
If they are flaky, they are flaky. If he says he will call back and he doesn’t….., flaky. If he says he will meet you up but stands you up…, flaky. If he doesn’t pick up your calls…, flaky. If he conveniently responds to you whenever he feels like it…, flaky.
If he wants to: see you, call you, take you out, or even date you, he will. If he wants you to meet his family, you will meet his family. If he wants to wife you, he will wife you. No one is too shy, too busy or too broke. In another light, if he flirts with other women, he’s a flirt. If he cheats on all his girlfriends, he is a cheat.
Stop making excuses for their character. After all, I’ve never met a person who refused to pursue a career that he really wanted, because he was shy or busy. Never. So, if he likes you, he’ll show it. If he loves you he will move mountains for you. So HONEY, if he /she shows you who they are, believe it. ITS SIMPLE, CUT THROAT, AND CLEAR.
Parting shot: Strive to learn yourself, define the person you want to have as a partner in your life, and prepare yourself sufficiently.
Did you grasp that?
Please share with that ka-friend of yours, sister, brother or partner who you know deep down needs to take a look at this.Feel free to like, comment, and have yourselves a lovely day.